Lately, God has really pressed something upon my heart and I feel the need to share it with you. I don't know what I'm going to do, or if it's really in His plan for me to do something about it, but I can't help thinking about it constantly, and I know it must be from Him, because all good things are.
There are so many kids at my school who will graduate or leave the school without ever hearing about the amazing love of Christ. They will never hear about His love for them and the amazing joy and hope that that knowledge brings. I walk past them in the halls every day and feel despicable and utterly SELFISH for not sharing my faith with them. My heart goes out to their souls and their futures. My heart goes out to them when they think no one cares about them or they think that there's nothing for them in this world. My heart bleeds for them when I think about the fact that they don't have Christ in their hearts and lives and that they don't know that He is beside them, caring for and loving them, every step they take in their life. God has gifted me with a burning passion for Him and a desire to share that with the people closest to me.
... and yet I can't find the courage to share it with them. My heart bleeds for them, but as I walk past them in the halls, I avert my eyes to their suffering and disappear into my bubble. I like my bubble, even though I KNOW I can trust in my God to be with me and protect me every step of the way. The Will of God will never take me where the Grace of God cannot protect me. I know this, and yet it's very hard to live it.
While reading through the Psalms last night, I found myself replacing "Israel" with the name of my school. Psalm 130:7-8 says, "O
I know I can trust in Him to do great things through me and be with me every step of the way. I know that with Him, I can never fail. He is with me and always will be. I can do everything through Him who gives me strength.
When I first felt led to minister to the kids at my school after I read the book Do Hard Things, I wrote my youth pastor Jon and his wife Mollie an email saying, "The stories that they shared were generally about teenagers who did something to impact their city, or state, or country, and sometimes world. But for me, I don't feel a passion for that. I hear about kids starving in Africa, and my heart doesn't go out to them like some of the kids they wrote about. Now, don't go thinking I'm a starving-kid-in-Africa-hater. I'm not. I just don't feel that calling. But I do feel the pain of the kids in my school. So many of them will leave Monacan without ever hearing of the love and hope they can receive from Christ, and there are days when I feel despicable and SELFISH for not sharing my love for Christ with them... but I'm scared of taking the first step. I don't know if that's what God wants for me, or if anyone will listen, or if anyone will stand up with me, or if I even can. I know God can use me to do great and magnificent things, but I don't know what that is right now. I don't want to make the mistake of thinking it's ministering to my fellow students at Monacan (Btw, is it even allowed? Since God is outlawed in schools and all that garbage?) when it could actually be something else. Sometimes (actually, a lot of the time) I wish God could just speak to me the way He spoke directly to Moses and David, etc. I watched the movie Prince of Egypt last night and felt overwhelmed and in awe when you couldn't SEE God, but all of a sudden, His Spirit came down from the heavens and smited (sp?) the firstborns and without physically being there to see, saw the Egyptian soldiers racing towards the Hebrews and sent down a wall of fire to hold them back. What a God we serve! He has a plan. I just don't know what it is yet."
<3 Warrior
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