This Past Week

So I'm not going into this post with a topic in mind or anything like that.  All this post is about is my life this past week.  In a non-conceited way.  It’s about me finding and doing God’s will.  It’s about me making changes for the better.  It’s about how AWESOME and AMAZING God is with actual proof (in case you ever doubted me the other gajillion times I’ve said it).  And it’s about how giving God even 30 minutes of your time a day to just spend and be with Him really does change your life and really leaves you wanting so much more.

Last Wednesday at Elevate (youth group) we talked about fasting from the things that separate us from God or take away our time that we could be spending with Him.  I honestly didn't know how to fast or what to fast from but after a couple days, on Sunday, I called up my gal Mollie and told her that I wanted fast from the computer and she helped me work out a schedule.  I would stay off the computer save for homework and approximately 10 minutes or so to check emails.  That meant no AIM, no solitaire, and no sitting in front of the computer wasting not only my time, but also the time I could be spending with God and probably thousands of brain cells that I might need later in life.  I made my AIM status "I'm not going to be on the computer for a week or so but I still love y'all and you can always call me if you need me (:" or something like that (I'm not going to get on AIM to see what I actually said *pats self on head*).  The plan also included the devotional I had already started every morning and reading 5 chapters of Jeremiah a day and lots of prayer and mediation time.  I don't think I've ever been more excited to give up something that was important to me (talking to friends... and solitaire).

Monday, we didn't have school, so obviously I slept until 2 (that's PM for you people who forgot what it's like to be a high schooler) and then spent the rest of my day making a 10-layered Jello dessert and doing homework.  I had completely forgotten about my yoga class at 7 so I totally ran out of time for my God time.  Oh no!  But when I got home at 8:30, I finished reading my chapters of Jeremiah and went to sleep.  No computer ever felt so good!

Tuesday meant back to school time.  Which was no big deal.  I started setting my alarm for earlier so I would have enough time for my devo even if I ignored my alarms (which totally doesn't happen a lot, nooo).  I don't remember what my devo was about (and the book is upstairs while I am downstairs and you know how much I hate having to run upstairs and grab things), but just having that time to literally wake up and the first thing to pop into my head was "GOOD MORNING GOD!!!  IT'S TIME FOR MY DEVO!!!" (Literally, I screamed it in my head.  I hope I didn't give God a headache.) just made my day.  Legit.  I was so joyful and perky and jumpy at school and a lot of people noticed and told me that I was really happy that morning.  I actually told a bunch of people that I was one day sober from the internet and got some weird looks (:.  When I got home from school, I immediately did all of my homework and I couldn't wait another second to start my devo.  I got in bed and grabbed my Bible (I had to shut off the Disney music because I realized I couldn't concentrate with it on) and began to read.  I fell asleep.  Twice.  Maybe even three times.  I don't even remember.  I woke up the last time to Mom asking if I could come watch the brownies in the oven so I moved my Godtime into the kitchen, where I found it much easier to concentrate and stay awake.  As I was reading, I was filled with a fear of God.  For those who don't know, Jeremiah is all about Jeremiah (whom I shall call Jerry to save my fingers some typing) the prophet who was called by God to go to all the tribes of Israel and tell them "This is what you're doing wrong and this is what God is going to do to you since you're seriously making Him very mad.  Like mad in a way that words can't describe."  Long story short, you don't want his job.  God ranted to Jerry about all the things that His people were doing that disgusted Him and the terrible things He was going to do to them... and it scared me.  I was sitting in the kitchen crying because God's anger was so ferocious that I could feel it in my soul.  And it scared me.  Like, a lot.  That night, as I lay in bed, I started to pray.  About everything, nothing, something, anything, everything, and things in general.  I wasn't really timing myself, but as far as I know I was lying in bed for about 2 hours talking to someone who wasn't physically in the room (which makes me grateful my room isn't bugged).  But it felt so GOOD!  It was like an actual conversation, except I was doing all of the talking.  So I tried to be silent.  But I didn't know what I was listening for, so I told God that I would practice it and kept talking.  All of a sudden, I wanted to write a note to my (ex-)friend Brad.  All of a sudden, I felt full of conviction and I simply HAD to write him a 1 1/2 page note front and back about how much God loves him.  I KNEW that he wouldn't take it well.  I KNEW that he would hate me for it.  I KNEW that he would say nasty things and tell all of his friends and get them to say nasty things.  But I also knew that he needed to hear it.  More than anything in the world it was something he needed to hear.  I made a copy of the note, told God He is the coolest thing since sliced bread and way way cooler than unsliced bread.  I fell asleep with a smile on my face.

Wednesday.  Okay before I start, take a deep breath and crack your knuckles (is that how you spell it?)  because after Tuesday, I definitely had to.  Breathe in, breathe out, crackcrackcrackcrackcrack.  Okay.  Let's go.  So I was really really tired Wednesday morning and my devo was read but it didn't really sink in very deeply.  I still woke up with a smile from the awesome night I had spent with God (in a not-weird way).  I showed the Bradnote to my Godpeep (aka Christian friend) Sher-bear and she approved.  After English, I pass Brad in the hall.  I dug the note out of my backpack and held it in my hand as I walked.  My heart was beating so fast because I was so nervous about what I was about to do.  I was about to give up a lot of friends and some trust by giving this "offensive" note to my gay, atheist, ex-friend.  I prayed saying, "God if it is Your will for him to get this note, so be it.  I'll do it.  If it's not Your will for him to get this, have him not be here or me not able to get to him.  If it is, let him be right in front of me and give me the courage to follow Your will this day and every day." As I scanned the crowd, I found him with a clear path right in front of him.  I handed him the note and said, "Brad this is for you." and he took it.  I rushed into my next class with my heart thumping as if I had just committed a crime, and worried over his reaction.  I only saw a glance of him at lunch, but after that, I didn't see him until I walked on the bus and everything got awkwardly quiet.  (I found out later he was going to prank call my youth pastor Jon, which he did later but Jon didn't pick up since they *67'd.)  That afternoon, literally a minute after finishing my devo of Jerrybook (Jeremiah), my friend *** called me and asked me if I had seen Brad's AIM status.  I told her that I already knew what it was going to say and that it wasn't a big deal and she told me it said "I have never been so pissed off in my entire life and you know who you are and if you ever speak to me again I swear I will rip out your heart."  I have to admit, I laughed out loud.  Because I can't imagine anyone else having a conversation like this:

someone: God loves you!  And so do I!
someone else: I HATE YOU!  I'M GOING TO RIP YOUR HEART OUT!

Anyway, she told me how he reacted (badly, as I had thought he would) and how he told a lot of people what it said (yay!  they get to know God loves them too!) and she told me some of the things she didn't understand that I had wrote and somehow the conversation got turned so that we were talking about HER faith and how it crumbled to pieces after her mom died.  I told her about my beliefs and what I believe about God having a plan for me and my life.  Little did I know that my words meant more to her than me trying to explain why I wrote Brad that note.  More on that later....

Before church, I talked to Molls on the phone about a ton of the stuff that had been bothering me over the past two days and about the Bradnote.  I went to bed early so I would be well rested for Thursday AM Bible study! <3

Thursday, before the crack of dawn: I curled up under my blankets that weigh more than I do and read my devo then got up for Bible study <3.  At Bible study Mollie mentioned how we might even get rid of what’s getting in between us and God for good instead of just fasting from it for a couple of days.  I thought about it and I was stuck between giving up AIM for good and now having a balance and a plan for not spending too much time on the computer.  Since I started spending those 30 or so minutes with God every day, I wanted to keep going since He had already spoken to me and was doing amazing things in my life.  My day went on as usual with no awkward conversations about the Bradnote.  HOWEVER, during last period, *** gave me a note that said,

Jessica, Thank you for sharing some of your views on faith with me yesterday.  Last night I prayed for the first time in almost five years.  Don’t get too excited.  I’m not quite ready yet, but I feel like I’m getting closer.  I don’t know what’s planned for me, or if I’ll ever be able to make the transition to live for God again – if I’ll ever completely want to – but a part of me hopes that I will one day.  Thank you.

Holy frapperdoodles how could I NOT get excited about that!?  THAT IS GOD MY FRIENDS!  That note to Brad may have had his name on it, but ultimately it was the ones he showed it to that were impacted and changed the most by it!  *** calling me to tell me Brad’s status was not a coincidence!  I already knew what it was going to say.  *** calling me was SUCH a God thing.  Oh man.  He’s awesome.  You cannot read that note and tell me differently.  I would refuse to believe you if you tried.  I know her better than you do, so I can tell you that a week ago, I didn’t even know she had had a relationship with Jesus.  I really am praying hard about what my next step is to help her take the next step.  I’m thinking notes about God and His awesome Son, encoura-grams, and maybe even a Bible with verses highlighted in it.  (:  God has a plan, friends!  AND IT IS SHA-WEET!  The Lord says, “Forget what happened before, and do not thing about the past. Look at the new things I am going to do.  It is already happening.  Don’t you see it?  I will make a road in the desert and rivers in the dry land.” (Isaiah 43:18-19 NCV)

Friday was... not that exciting (compared to Tuesday and Wednesday and Thursday).  That morning I woke up suprah early without meaning to since my alarms was still set on 5 for Bible study the morning before.  So I was in for a surprise when I was all psyched for school and then I realized that it was 5.  Pooey.  I was really groggy when I woke up but trooped on to school.  Nothing life-changing happened except learning that one of my bestest friends is possibly getting kicked out of her house and sent to live in what she calls the “Boonies” of North Carolina with her biological father and lose pretty much everything she holds dear.  I had no idea what to say to her, so I just comforted her as much as I could.  When I got home that afternoon, I was just sitting in bed listening to Starfield and then I fell asleep until 3:48 (missing my devo), when I had to get ready for ballet really quickly.  Nothing else really exciting happened until after dance when I went to a game party with a couple of marching band friends.  It wasn’t until I got home that I realized I had totes violated my morals at the party.  I’m too mad at myself to tell you what we were talking about, but I’ll tell you this:  the idea of “among you there must be not even a hint of sexual immorality, or any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God’s holy people.  Nor should there be any obscenity, foolish talk or coarse joking, which are out of place, but rather thanksgiving” (Ephesians 5:3-4) was definitely not going through my head when I was speaking.  And afterward I felt terrible and unclean because I had violated that demand and made myself seem like a hypocrite (saying that I don’t like dirty jokes but making them and laughing at them anyway).  I read that verse over and over again and prayed for forgiveness.

Saturday was also uneventful.  I woke up, said “Good morning God!”, sat up, and reached for my devotional.  It made me giggle when I saw that my devo for that day was “Pray early and often.”  After reading, I finally knew where the “pray continually” verse is from.  It’s from 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18.  “Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.”  I lurvee that verse.  God’s will for us is to be joyful, pray nonstop, and give thanks in everything.  Praying nonstop may sound intimidating, but really it’s not.  I like to think of it as not just talking to God 24/7, but also thinking thoughts that are pleasing to Him.  It’s really hard and I have to apologize to God for my thoughts a lot of the time.  For instance.  “Ugh look at what that girl is – OOPS SORRY GOD!  SORRYSORRYSORRY!”  Yeah, that’s what my brainwaves sound like usually.  Not the judging part, but the random bursts of screaming/yelling at myself.  Anyway, on Saturday I also went to a 4H meeting, did homework, and went to Sam Ash with daddy to get a new flute case and cleaning stuff.  Yaaaaaaaaay!  That night during my second devotional of the day (I had been reading Jerrybook in the car and wanted to keep reading so I read even more), I feel asleep for probably a minute or so, but when I woke up, I jolted and smacked myself in the face with my Bible.  It was really funny.  Well, to me anyway, since I was alone.

Sunday.  Alas!  My last day!  As I’m writing this, I still don’t know if I want to still use AIM...  I don’t know if I can trust myself not to get addicted to it again.  Sunday was rough on me.  I was very tired and moody and grouchy, and then my mom forgot me at church and dad had to take me home after I waited 30 or so minutes for him to be done with ushering.  And he called me Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde and bipolar since the day before I had been so cheerful and awake and I was way tired instead.  I’m not very good at pretending I have energy when I actually don’t, so I wasn’t attempting much of anything emotion-wise that day.  EXCEPT when I was singing.  We sang on of my fave songs in church.  The chorus goes “And we will dance on the streets that are golden / The glorious bride and the great Son of Man / And every tongue and tribe and nation will join / In the song of the Lamb” <333.  The hope and excitement that everyone seems to glow with when we sing that just make me all warm and fuzzy inside.  United Praise, our youth choir, sang JLM (Jesus Loves Me) and I put as much emotion into that as I could.  I think it’s terrible when people are singing about God’s love and power and they look bored and tired and uninterested.  It kind of defeats the purpose of praising Him if you’re not going to put your all into it.  I dunno, that’s just my opinion.

Even though my week of fasting ended on a slow and tired note, just the thought of the amazing things God had done through me earlier in the week just got me all excited.  Let me clear this up.  I don’t take any credit for the things that happened this week.  Because I’m definitely not to blame.  My Lord Jesus is to blame for every good, no AMAZING, thing that happened this past week.  I couldn’t have done any of it without Him.  I can blame myself for all of the bad, but Jesus is the sole reason why all of the amazing things happened this week.  He’s just so awesome like that. 

I hope my (really really) long story has been inspiring to you in some way and has maybe gotten you thinking of how you can grow closer to God too.  Because when you do, amazing things start happening.  And it’s one of the very best things you could ever do for yourself and your Savior.  Think about it.  Then pray about it.  Then do it.  But be careful.  It might change your life in ways you cannot imagine.

And it has never felt so good.

<3 Warrior